I'll Do It Once More

i cant tell if i want to see or leave you

ive said goodbye once already

not sure my heart is strong enough for round two

but ill clench my fists to hold my shaking hands steady

that look in your eyes is still a breath of fresh air

and right now im in dire need of breathing deep

risking everything once more ill lay my heart bare

maybe tonight pleasant dreams will fill my sleep

What Happened to 'Together'?

i keep waiting for the ache to subside

they keep saying it gets better with time

but i cant make myself forget

i want to remember you free of the ache

but the tears do go away

i spend my nights dreaming of how we were

i spend my days willing myself to go on

but im not always so strong

i want to let go of this but afraid to be free

im just barely getting by

youre there and im here

who we were are somewhere in between

to move or recover

i hold my breath so my heart cant beat

were suppose to be together

to take this world by storm

i cant do this alone anymore

holding steady to your hands

she thought she had all she ever wanted, right here

but it brought  her so far from her dreams, she longs for sleep

for now shes standing at a crossroads, with no direction

with another life hanging in the balance, how can this be happening

if only she'd chosen differently, life wouldnt be this

because now theres someone else to feel the pain of her mistakes

with closed eyes i see her face, as if she were right in front of me

longing to hold her and like a sponge absorb her worry, all her fears

to hold onto hope for one more night, it will be just fine

im holding fast to you, dont take your eyes off my face

misery has been your company, but its not the only feeling that hates to be lonely

so let your heart collapse if you must, i promise not to let it shatter

this isnt the end all of your dreams, the rest of your life starts today

and its never too late

fixing mistakes

THEY SAY EVERYONE IS PRONE TO MAKING MISTAKES

KICKING UP DUST SO IT SETTLES IN A DIFFERENT WAY

AND THEN MOVING ON

WITHOUT EVER LOOKING BACK

BUT THEN THERES ALWAYS ONE WHO WANTS TO UNDO WHAT THEYVE DONE

AND ITS NOT ALWAYS EASY APOLOGIZING

AND IT DOESNT ALWAYS WORK OUT LIKE WE PLANNED

BUT IF YOURE PATIENT ENOUGH

IT WILL BE THE BEST FOR THOSE YOU LOVE

YOU AIMED FOR THE RIGHT THING IN THE END

THATS ALL THAT COUNTS

I PROMISE IT WILL ALL WORK OUT

an open invitation

come up on our porch

theres a nice breeze

teas brewin

come tell a story or two to me

id love to hear your thoughts

of this journey that youre on

with nothin but time

we can talk til the early morn

What Comes After the Blues?

something perfect.

something better than i imagined. 

something real. 

something worth it.

something fresh.

something vibrant.

something eloquent.

something right.

something beautiful.

something subtle.

something euphoric.

something powerful.

something original.

something mine.

after the blues 

comes you.

Its Called A 'Deleted Scene'

cut the film and burn it. i dont want to remember it. erase it from my memory. pretend it never happened. forget the lines you spoke and that look in your eyes. forget the way my heart nearly stopped. it never took place, that interaction. and the world will never see the story told this way.

Still I'll Smile

i cried at first because it felt like the beginning of the end...& it was...but in that moment we started the ending of one chapter...not the whole book...thats very different...theres always something more in store for us...but the plot must thicken...there must be some suspense & mystery...a little heartache & lots of comedy...so im smiling...& not because im crazy about the moment thats being captured...but because its a moment i must walk thru to get to the next...& to live through all the rest...im smiling because its not over...this is lifelong...& for all eternity...the end has only brought new beginning...why stop smiling?!

Wounds From A Friend

a life marred and scarred by lets downs and disappointments
all too numerous and too painful to count
YET WE STILL FIND A REASON TO TRUST
heartache and heart break
security stripped away
questions without answers
and no formal sense of clarity
STILL WE FIND A REASON TO LOVE
mistakes and poor decisions litter the floor
fall once and fall again
to fall again once more
STILL WE FIND A REASON TO GET UP
dreams blown away with the autumn leaves
desires simply out of reach
and passions sapped of energy
STILL WE FIND A REASON TO HOPE

The Truth Is...

the truth is

im scared to

to love you

to let you in

ive been broken

too many times before

my hearts the mess

im afraid to deal with

so i shut off the lights

and then close the door behind me

to keep the mess inside me

the truth is

i cant do this anymore

Gratitude for a Stranger

im miles from where you are...and still youve managed...to strike the flint just right...and fan that spark into a fire...engulfing all my hesitation in the blaze...all before you knew my name...courage is infectious...and ive caught the disease...ive suffered the fever of disbelief...but now my confidence is gaining...with your voice youve allowed the world to speak...to humbly tell theyre story...you gave a voice to me...

All Excess is Rooted in Emptiness

Emptiness is why...

i cant work enough

i cant sleep enough

i cant eat enough

i cant be thin enough

i cant exercise enough

i cant drink enough

i cant shop enough

i cant serve enough

i cant make money enough

i cant be relational enough

i cant be alone enough

i cant do enough

i cant be enough

i cant be pretty enough

i cant be smart enough

which one are you?!

crying real tears this time

im falling apart at the seams and its real this time. crying a little here and there isnt enough. i dont have the strength to hold myself. its time to break sorrows iron grip. these tears will come until the iron rusts so that beneath the weight of my fists it turns to dust. my heart is done. im finally ready and here they come. its real this time. this will be the time that ends it. this will be the moment im rid of it. the heartache. the loneliness. the guilt. ill cry until my eyes run desert fry. this will be the last time. all of this will end tonight. il telling the whole truth and letting the light come through the cracks of my heart. ive lived long enough in darkness. wont hesitate to do it all the way this time.

Aching for a Silent Sound

"music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." -Victor Hugo

sometimes writing isnt enough. sometimes talking isnt enough. sometimes that brisk walk on a clear night doesnt bring the clarity you long. sometimes sleep doesnt hit the emotional reset button. sometimes the silence is more torturous. sometimes all the old tricks in the book dont work and all known words seem to pale in any attempt to explain how you feel. but then a melody reaches your ears and unearths the very thing you couldnt. it begins to soothe and release. and youre not sure what about the music makes it so enchanting and yet are grateful for the relief and how it seemed to find you. it satisfied the ache and gave words when none would come. your soul yearned to hear that certain sound that your ears could not place. oh but what a joyous day it is when you finally hear through the silence.

way past time for one last try

i keep thinking about what happened, wondering if i should turn back

and try to rewrite history

this wasnt the happy ending i imagined

its not happy at all

and you can say its my fault but it takes two

and without you there would have been no 'us'

nothing to screw up

so i wonder

if doing nothing is a silent surrender and if it is

what am i saying? "i quit"?

"you win"?

if this is about a trophy, take it

congratulations on your win for walking away

and if you won i suppose that means i lost

is that what you were aiming for?

the point you were trying to prove?

bravo!

i got your message and then deleted it

its clear i have no reason to stay, even if that was the original plan

which it wasnt

but if reverse psychology was your tactic its not working

you need to leave and im through changing your mind

as long as were clear this is what you wanted

IDK

i dont know why we all hang onto something were better off letting go. its like were scared to lose what we really dont even have. some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is...to have something halfway is harder than having nothing.

We THREE

my shadow.

my echo.

and me.

my present.

my past.

and my future.

my fracture.

my break.

my pieces.

my memories.

my joy.

my reason.

All I Know is that I Should

i dont know who i am without you but i should. i cant see my future without you but i should. if i lose you then i lose myself and it shouldnt be but i would. its all or none and always has been. but i ned to know who i am without you. i need to know if i could go on without you. because i should. the question now is; am i brave enough to go and find out the truth? can i handle walking away to see if i could survive? if i lose myself in you then theres a vital part of us missing. i need to find out where she went...and if i can get her back. if im missing then every time you find your arms around me youre holding something empty. its selfish for me to keep you. please let me go without fighting. i need to find me. and you may not want to understand but i wish you would. you know who you are, dont you think i should?

Unchanging

we grow up...we grow taller...we grow old...we grow gray hair...our wardrobe changes to fit our age, job, and the times...we get promoted or laid off...we rent until we buy...we cut and color our hair...we take vacations...we move...we gain weight and we try to lose it...our appetites change as do our sleep patterns...our priorities change as we take on responsibilities...we arent just a daughter a sister or a friend...but also a mother a wife an employee or a boss...life changes and we change with it...but there are some things that never do...like the fact that i love you...and im never leaving...and if i ever have to go i promise to go back...you can believe me...

i live for those moments

when a baby laughs for the first time...
when a child dries the tears of their parent...
that solitary moment of clarity...
the last first kiss...
an uninterrupted conversation with a stranger...
reunions with old friends...

please dont try so hard to say goodbye

goodbye is a curse word you hear too often. its left a lonely taste in your mouth that a million 'hellos' cant rinse out. you started saying goodbye before you let anyone close enough for their exit to matter. but im not going anywhere and your goodbye means nothing at all. i know youve been hurt but im not them. im not leaving. you can push and walk away but i will stand wherever you decide to leave me...i wont move so you dont lose me. i want to make you see that life isnt about everyone leaving and this loneliness youve dwelt in doesnt have to consume you. im here to free you from it. dont be stubborn. open up your heart to see, to feel, lifes not only about endings. your heart can tell me goodbye but mine wont say it back, my back will never face you. ill always be here to catch you even when you tell me no. im not going and eventually youll stop trying to make me leave. you will stop saying goodbye, i promise. this time will be different. none of these goodbyes were me.

Look for the Girl with the Broken Smile

its always raining in her world
and she tries to make the most of it
sometimes she wonders if its worth it
all of the compromise that moves us through life
she wants to hold out for something more
but isnt sure it exists
she silently pleads for someone to prove her wrong
she needs someone to stay long enough to prove
not everyone leaves
she wonders if shes the reason
if you dont mind spending all the time in the rain
the girl with the broken smile might ask you to stay
take it

YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO TRUST MYSELF

YOU TAUGHT ME ABOUT FATE...HOW IF ITS MEANT TO IT WILL HAPPEN...AND WHAT WE DO BETWEEN NOW AND THAT MOMENT WONT MATTER WHEN WE GET THERE. YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO TRUST MY INSTINCTS...TO NOT THINK...TO GO AND BELIEVE THAT ILL KNOW WHAT IM SEARCHING FOR AFTER IVE FOUND IT. YOU TOLD ME TO TRUST MY GUT AND TO NEVER LET ANYONE TELL ME DIFFERENT. NOW IVE FOUND MYSELF LISTENING. AND THE VOICES ARE TELLING ME I SHOULD GO AND THIS SHOULD BE THE END. WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO TRUST MYSELF IS THIS WHAT YOU MEANT? YOU ARENT WANTING TO LET ME GO WITHOUT A FIGHT AND IM TORN INSIDE, BUT ITS TIME. YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO TRUST MYSELF AND SO I SAY TO YOU...IM GOING NOW AND THIS TIME YOU CANT COME. IF ITS MEANT TO BE THEN I WILL FIND YOU AGAIN, BUT RIGHT NOW I NEED TO FIND MYSELF.

every rose has its thorns

every rose has its thorns but that doesnt stop anyone from smelling them or plucking them from their bush. we simply tread lightly. were careful because we recognize its delicacy and the potential for danger. but when successful we get to enjoy this simple treasure, its beautiful color, and its sweet smell without incident or injury. it only required that we be careful.

relationships are much the same way. worth all of the effort but we must tread lightly. one wrong break and the rose will prick you as its dying.

Bargaining for More Time

my hands are tied and the clock is ticking out of time. im fighting hard for the solution i know will never come. but im not ready to let her go. she just found me. why didnt she come sooner? why cant she say longer? this cant be it. it cant be over. tell me what i have to do to keep her...even for just a little while longer. the part of me that was missing my entire life finally made it home when she showed up at my door. how can you ask me to give that back? whatever it takes no matter the extreme ill consider it fair for this request. ill never ask for anything else. just name your price, it cant be time. it cant be now because i need tomorrow. she cant leave, i just found that i need her. please dont take her yet, im not ready. im begging, please, just one more hour...

spending days

i spend my days lost inside blank pages with a thousand stories waiting to be told...trapped at the other end of the pen. sometimes i feel like im holding a gun and all i can think about is how good it would feel to let it all out, but the nerve to pull the trigger never comes. i sit and wait and try to do so patiently...but its hard to wait long for nothing. by the end of the day i would take anything but when i finally put the gun down the page is still blank. tomorrow is another day. perhaps it will end without blank pages. maybe with my finger on the trigger ill find the courage to pull it.

its worth a thousand words

sometimes its about letting the picture tell the story so that you dont have to. other times you let the picture tell the story because you cant.

the only way i know how to be scared is to be strong

i dont want to cry...its like admitting its over...and i cant get lost...i still need you...i need to stay here...or ill lose myself...i cant look at the odds...and there is no answer apart from yes...im weakest when im strongest...and ive never been stronger than now...im holding my world together...as uncertainty threatens to pull it apart...i cant acknowledge the worst of this(though i have no choice)...there is no other option than to beat it(though its out of my control)...im holding steady as i lose my balance from the shifting ground...im making light of this because i know no other way to survive...my strength is not a front(though im falling to pieces)...i laugh so they know its okay(even though its not)...some has to be strong...

Expressing the Inexpressible

if i spent the whole song blaming the composer for writing an end i would forget how to enjoy the music. i would forget how to enjoy life, for music is the closest you will ever come to being able to express the inexpressible.

thank you

two words.
just two words.
two words that could mean nothing or
the world.
but youll never know until
you say them.
its only two words...

maybe i am...

maybe im trapped inside of someone elses heart. maybe someone elses life is my escape. and im dreaming their dreams because im not creative enough to dream my own. maybe im living vicariously because i found someone just like me with more courage. and theyre doing all the things i wish i would. maybe. maybe i feel like someone else is living the life i want and now its too late for me to have it. maybe im afraid to get a life of my own because i dont want to fail. maybe none of this is real. maybe. but maybe not. im wasting my time IF this is fake.

memories are following me now

memories are following me like shadows.
i wish the sun would stop shining for a moment
so i could be alone.
but theyre always going to be with me
arent they?
i wish they were nicer company to keep.
i wish they made me smile.

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR

THINGS CHANGE. I SEE THAT STATEMENT AND I HAVE TO LAUGH BECAUSE THATS PUTTING IT MILDLY. THE LIST OF THINGS THAT HAVENT CHANGED IS MUCH MUCH SHORTER IT THAT LISTS EVEN EXISTS. EVERYTHINGS CHANGED. MY LIFE HAS UNDERGONE THIS ENORMOUS RENOVATION AND IM NOT EVEN SURE ITS OVER YET. THINGS CHANGE. THAT BARELY EVEN SCRATCHES THE SURFACE OF WHATS TAKEN PLACE. THE DIFFERENCE IS AMAZING AND CONFUSING AND SURPRISING. IT TAKES SOME GETTING USE TO AND HOPEFULLY I WILL SOON. LATELY IT SEEMS I GET SETTLED LONG ENOUGH FOR SOMETHING ELSE TO BE UPROOTED. AND THEN IT ALL STARTS ALL OVER AGAIN. THINGS CHANGE...THE UNDERSTATED STORY OF MY LIFE.

memories are your way out

sometimes we get tired...so we take a seat and then head down memory lane...life can get too spread out and we slam the breaks to slow down...were looking for a way out...of a life that seems so damn hard...the past is an easy getaway...it only it were permanent...

culture shock

there are some things in life that in your mind you know are possible...things that you know could happen at any moment and because you know that it somehow makes you prepared...

...but its like going to visit someone in the hospital having seen them the day before and nothing was wrong...

...how do you prepare for something like that...

...it came just as unexpectedly as a loved one being in the hospital would...seeing someone's weakness for the first time being more than their strength could bear...watching tears fall, not out of reverence, but out of fear...

...it feels unnerving having someones eyes plead with you for help to bear their load...especially when up until that very moment all youve ever found in those eyes was strength wisdom and comfort...

...and then i started thinking...

...why is it that though my mind knows someone crying on my shoulder isnt life threatening my heart would react as if it were...why does my heart break just the same...

...i wonder if thats why vulnerability is so difficult a position to be in...the people around is need help, but its not an illness to be cured...or a curse...its the realization that its not a one-man show...we were designed to need people...to need God...

...i should not feel so helpless when a friend needs a comforting word as i would abviously be to save a loved one from their death bed...

...being weak is unnerving...comforting someone in weakness is sometimes intimidating...neither should stifle an action or a response...

i wish

i wish i could call you friend and have something to show for it
i wish i could share reaffirming words that youd believe
but i know you and your heart would count them empty
i wish i could tell you i love you and you wouldnt ask for the truth
oh how my heart breaks for you
the eloquence of words seems feeble and mindless
but all that i wish to say is how i truly feel
but simple words dont make them real
and i feel i have no room to move
to truly speak
what friends we use to be
and how i pray to God to let us be again
not a day goes by where i dont wish to bring you life from Christ
the world doesnt know you but you listen
it doesnt love you but you trust them
lives without discipline
void of authority from Heaven to speak and be heard
they speak and you hear as you desire
if you hear at all
and true love, real love
for this there is no place
no craving
no wanting if theres a cost
youve already lost enough
you demand justice
but what about peace
is there room for lasting relief
my heart breaks with you out of reach
it aches from your disconnect between knowing and believing
and even though what i say is true
i know my words wont penetrate the core of you
its well guarded
and perhaps rightfully so
but perhaps wrongfully so
youre greatest adversary is the very thing locked away
i pray desperately for escape
but you cant out run you
you know i speak true because youve tried
multiple times
but you can only travel so far behind closed doors
but love has the key
forgiveness sets the slave to freedom
powers of darkness have no choice but to flee
i cry because you cant see what we see
you dont know why i love you
why i would fight for you though i fight with you
you dont know why you matter
but not for lack of being told
your heart through all its hurt simply doesnt know
words of peace and rest dont civer the pre-exsisting mess
and this is what you tell yourself
that the state we found you nullifies what we think
or who we know God ordained you to be
your hopes have fallen
your optimism dwindles
and im crying for you
friend please come home
and this i plead with all urgency
your soul is priority
friend this is an emergency
desperation is tiresome
your strength is wearing thin isnt it
reach out your hand
let your heart believe
that i speak i cant show you now but i still mean
none of my words in this hour would change crippled beneath your fear
by my prayers ill carry you
though my eyes have not seen
and my ears havent heard
i have not forgotten
someday i will call you friend and i will have something to show for it
i will speak words of life that you will walk out in belief
one day i will tell you i love you and this will be enough truth
some day this will make a difference
some day youll know you were never left alone
never left unloved
i pray for that day
i pray for that hour
and i pray it soon

its kind of messy right now

sometimes i wish i was still young, that i didnt ever have to grow up...perhaps a neverland mentality, but at least things would be simple, i would understand less and therefore worry less...or would i worry more? mindless questions that have unconsequential answers, but i ask them anyway...

i come to crossroads in my life and am afraid of what ill find depending on which road i take, funny how things work out though...what at first i thought i wanted now i really dont know...it doesnt sound as good when the thoughts come from outside my head, especially from someone else...can anyone help?...

i close my eyes and blink twice hoping things will be different, that somehow my blinking works like magic that isnt real, its all an illusion...if i cant see it is it really there?...if i pretend to not feel it can i really not care and simply go on with my life as if nothing had changed, as if there werent a gigantic question mark standing idle in my way...waiting for me to make a decision on something id rather not think...

are these thoughts confusing anyone other than me?...

people who have come and gone and already crossed this point have made it look so easy, and believe me ive heard some stories...

i think i just feel messed up, and though i know im not the only one it doesnt always feel that way...

and sometimes i feel like im stuck in someone elses life, that im doing things i wouldnt normally do and saying things i wouldnt normally say...sometimes it feels like a game and i dont have a choice but to play...

my head often literally feels weighed down by the thoughts that cant seem to make up their mind, but they cant...theyre just thoughts in my mind and im the one that cant decide...cant even choose which ones are from me, or from God, or from the enemy who loves to screw with me...

when my head feels like this even a soliatry place isnt quiet...

someone out there reading this has to know what its like to go through this...and id prefer more than just a nod of the head...

ive been here before, written about it before, so i know theres more after this, where there is less thinking and more decision making but whats right is easy...but right now i just kinda feel like it sucks to be me...

crazy thing called life

its funny how things happen
what you thought would never change
now will never be the same...again
every life has its ups and downs
the everyday usual
and the occassional unpredictable ones
and before i take that first step outside
i take one deep breath
and...

jump into what i dont know
leap cause my hearts saying go
love with nothing to lose
and smile
cause i never thought itd be you

each day with its own tune
and someone finally sang
the one that melted the heart...of me
and its a scary thought at first
to know the time is right
and before i take that step outside
i take one deep breath
and...

jump into what i dont know
leap cause my hearts saying go
love with nothing to lose
and smile
i never thought itd be you

who thought at the end that you would be there
waiting
just simply waiting
i thought id left you
in my past
but i shouldve known better

unfixable

you have no idea how damaging that message is until its sent to you. one seemingly harmless word can cause the core of who you are to crumble. and no one ever says it in a harmless manner. theres always something destructive in their tone. theyre hurt or angry or hopeless and what you to share in their misery, for as you know misery loves company. but would they say it if they knew they were committing murder? theyre condemning you before they give you a chance to stand. unfixable, that word is a death sentence delivered without deliberation. something dies before it sees the light of day. unfixable is synonymous with hopeless.

ready when you are

i was honest with you and you slammed the door in my face. its easier for you to blame me than to accept any responsibility. and i expected nothing else. at the end of the day if it helps you sleep at night then so be it. only one of us will sleep in peace. i thought we were above this and its slightly embarrassing to have to admit that i was wrong. but its not the first time. im also learning that i dont know you like i thought. and ill be ready when you are, when you want to talk this out and fight through this like we should, ill be here, ready. im not going to go far. ill be ready when you are.

a cold and broken hallelujah

how can this be? how can it come to this? how do i face this? i love you but i cant do this, not if i have to do this without you. we said forever and that doesnt have an end so how do i explain this to my heart? that this could be over? i cant lose you so tell me how to keep you? you want to follow through with this but i cant accept a future where you dont exist. and you cant promise me that wont happen so what do we do now? i just got you back. this is a bitter sweet reality but i only taste the bitterness. and yes were together, for now, but you want me to consider an alternative ending and i cant. our story alrady has an ending, its been written, ive memorized it, there is no other way then how ive always imagined it. how can it be this? how could it come to this? this part was never written and thats for a reason. we have faced enough tragedy, i cant have another grave to visit. how can you ask me to face this? i cant save you from this. i cant do anything but wait and pray and what if thats not enough? how do i love the life that took you from me? and why are you so willing? i knows its my fault you believe in fate, if i take it all back would you change your mind? you cant leave me, not this time, not now not ever. were suppose to grow old remember, you promised. the miracle of life isnt suppose to hurt this much, its not suppose to hurt at all. and how can you be so sure? so strong? this isnt how it was suppose to go. but i promised forever, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, heaven forbid it be now, until death do us part. i love you.

first of all, you dont know me and second of all, you dont know me...

but i do know you, i know you well, better than you think i do and all because you told me i didnt. youre the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve even if you dont know it. you tell the world its okay but your eyes are a dead give away to the contrary. youre determined to survive and are certain that all the living you can handle. you want to hide it all away so that no one can break it. the only safe place is inside your head and the majority of the time thats questionable. youre an outcast in the in crowd. you wont say you love it because youre nothing like them, but you cant say you hate it or else youd be a fraud. it is what it is and you wont change it because sometimes its good and other times, the rest of the time theres nothing else. you wont let anyone in because people always leave and you would rather be alone. but you cant be because misery loves company. you dont give yourself enough credit and decide to quit before you ever start. you have this idealistic notion of an attainable perfection and until you reach it nothing will ever be good enough. and if you cant be great you dont want to ruin it. sound familiar? i know you better than you want me to, you dont have to say a word. i know you so well because i was this girl. and somewhere inside me this girl still exists. shes apart of the girl i am today and without her i would stop being me. and the same will be true when someday comes around and you convince that fragile girl in you to risk it all. until then continue to tell me that i dont know you and well both pretend thats true. itll be our secret that it isnt. its okay to be known fully, even if only by one, one is enough. one is all it takes to bring that fragile girl strength. and when you are fully known, you get to fully know. someday.

and we never even said hello

we moved beyond irrattional judgments, we lessened the space between us. we rose above complicated situations, we chained our selfishness for the sake of our friendship. we apologized for our angry words and let forgiveness heal the damage. we faced awkward situations with smiles. we celebrated the best and fought through the worst of times. late night conversations and laughter til we were crying. we handled death and being left together. we honored life and love together. we had the best because we could carefully handle the worst of each other. we lived together, worked together, painted the town together. we stood together, changed the world together, dreamt together. we walked together, danced together, sat silent together. there is no one who knows me better and we never even said hello.

one song to set the mood

those first few notes arent just being played on a piano or a guitar, but theyre played on her heart. before she even opens her eyes theres this rush of emotion that the song is describing. its like a theme. that song will set the stage for her day and her heart will set it on repeat and her soul will continue to listen long after her ears. it will make her laugh or cry or shell be lost in the memories of a life she once knew. it will inspire her or frustrate her or quiet her. this one song will remind her of love, loss, humility, joy, anguish, fear, strength, the fight that life can bring to the door of your heart. this melody will refresh the feeling of barely surviving and intensify the relief of letting go. who knew so much could come from one song? she knew. she always knew. and the day she realized music saved her life was the day she fell in love with the first few notes that found her heart home. her music tells her story so she doesnt have to. and shell remember the moments of her life yet never have to write them down. shell remember every day as one song sets the mood.

ALL WE GET IS NOW

IS IT NAIVE TO PLAN A FUTURE YOU CANT GUARANTEE OR HOPEFUL? IS IT FAIR TO PROMISE FOREVER IF YOU CANT PROMISE TOMORROW OR WISHFUL? ALL I KNOW I HAVE IS RIGHT NOW AND I DONT WANT TO WASTE IT ON PROMISES THAT ARENT UP TO ME. MY FOREVER STARTS IN THIS MOMENT AND COULD END IN THE NEXT. RIGHT NOW IS ALL I KNOW I HAVE LEFT. IM GOING TO USE IT WISELY BY TELLING YOU THE SUN DANCES IN YOUR EYES. YOUR LAUGHTER MELTS AWAY THE PAIN AND YOUR SMILE CHASES THE CLOUDS AWAY. AND I DONT SEE HOW YOU CANT SEE. IT THIS IS MY FOREVER THEN I WILL STAY AWAKE FOR ETERNITY SO YOU CAN BELIEVE. AND SHOULD MY FOREVER BE EXTENDED THROUGH TOMORROW THEN I SHALL CONTINUE. ALL I KNOW I HAVE IS RIGHT NOW AND RIGHT NOW THIS IS WHAT IM THINKING. PERHAPS IF I COULD PROMISE TOMORROW WITH CERTAINTY I WOULD SAVE THESE WORDS BUT SINCE I CANT I WONT. SHOULD TOMORROW COME AND GO WITHOUT ME YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU WERE THE BEST PART OF ME. FOREVER ISNT MY PROMISE TO MAKE OR KEEP BUT IM HOPEFULE AND CANT HELP BUT DREAM. BUT RIGHT NOW IS ALL THATS PROMISED ME AND ALL OF MY RIGHT NOWS ARE YOURS.

braced against the tempest civil world

civility unsuccessfully buries the savage beast in each of us. the patience of the beast is unmatched and it silently waits for us to turn the other way so it may unleash its ancient fury.

like before is gone

i dont want to be who we were. life before is gone and i dont want it back. we cant turn back the clock and i wont forget but ive accepted that. the only place i want to go is forward. life before was easy and it wasnt real life. and i want to know we have what it takes to make it through this and to fight for whats truly important. we made mistakes and though i wish we hadnt we couldnt go on like we never would. and now that we have i want to work past this and be a stronger better version of us because of it. life before is gone but that doesnt mean were gone. it simply means were moving forward because life is moving on and its suppose to work that way. we grow older, wiser, better. the mistakes dont change forever. like before is gone but tomorrow isnt.

for better or worse, change the world

some will believe and others will think youre crazy. some will hold you up when you need to lean and others will walk away. some will praise you and others will blame you. some will put you on a pedestal and others wont expect anything. some will welcome you with open arms and by others you will be ignored. for better or worse change the world. some will give you a standing ovation and others will boo you off the stage. some will defend you at all costs and others will attack you in your safest haven. some will hear you and not question and others will challenge every little thing. some will find comfort in your simplicity while others ridicule you for making life easy. some will open up their hearts and others will slam the door. for better or worse change the world.

its too early for you to start playing the game

politics ruin everything. ultimatums leave the innocent frayed. jaded. doubting. they(whoever they are)set a standard were expected to live up to or its goodbye. and well compromise for reasons weve justified. but what started out as a mission for greatness barely makes mediocre because its not us, not really. its the version of us they want us to be, oh the sacrifices we make for our dreams. why put in the long hours, the sweat, the frustrations? why work so hard to be someone youre not? theres no sense in that, theres no truth in that. it becomes a bunch of rich pockets telling you who you can be and failing to see who you already are. its a numbers game for them, but this is your life. your heart on display. for them youre a dime a dozen and if they lose you they wont miss you. but your dream is not a game. life is not a game. your message is not a game. and you dont have to play.

sometimes the beauty is in the attempt

you set out on a mission. you have a plan, you know the steps, and can see the destination. and your spirit is restless to release all the drive you have to get there. theres a clear path from point A to point B, nothing could stop you. nothing you can foresee. but sometimes we forget to factor in life and that we arent the center of it. and its easy to forget as we watch the pieces come together. its difficult to remember reality as things start to shift because we stepped too quickly, not soon enough, or not at all. nothing was in the way. nothing we could foresee. you never considered it not working as a possibility. it was perfect and so it had to, but it really didnt. and in hindsight you realize it wasnt about completing the mission, it was about deciding to begin at all. it was about fighting for your dream and believing your vision was the only one you needed. it was about not compromising your integrity for the popular vote and believing in what you were saying. it was about not letting outside voices be the voices in your head, trusting your gut, following your instincts, doing the right thing, taking your time. it was a test, one of lifes most important, to ensure that under all the pressure you wouldnt lose yourself. sometimes the journey is about the destination. somestimes the journey is about the attempt.

working hard on walking out

ive never been the leaving kind but theres a first time for everything. this will be the first for me and hopefully the last as well. life is unexpected for i never imagined this, but here we are. and here i am, having to decide a decision ive never made before. and im working hard to follow through now that ive made up my mind, but i wake up every morning and have to choose again. i want to choose you but i cant. im fighting hard to stick with that. ive been left without a choice but still have to choose and because of my past i want to choose you. key phrase is want to. but i want something different too and i cant have both. im working hard for something else, something more than this and you dont want me to have it. so i think its time for me to go now. ill show myself out.

live hopeless, live dead

youve tied your hands in knots trying to control something you cant. no one can and yet you all live the charade. you put on a hopeful expression but it doesnt match your hollow eyes that give you away. youve signed this over as a hopeless situation and struggle to keep pretending you havent. and you do it for yourself so admit your selfishness. if youre not careful this will bury you and well have to bury two. your hopelessness is spreading like a silent disease, you dont feel it until its overwhelming. youre earned all of your fears and they drain you of your tears. in your hopelessness youve surrendered your will to live. its true that the living can walk among the dead and for the hopeless wanderer life is void of anything to live for. but thats a decision you make, not one thats forced on you. your hopelessness will let this moment beat you. for when your will to live is gone there will be no need to pretend. but fying is not the end so why do we call it quits like it is? its the beginning of forever, but the hopeless cant see it.

Every Word I Say Fades Out

i thought long and hard about what i wanted to say to you. but the harder i tried the less it all made sense. there were a bunch of holes that i couldnt find words to fill. a bunch of reasons that i cant make fit. and i think about how badly i want you to understand, but every sentence i start fades to black. silence settles in to stay. i think about how we got here and what i missed. and i wish i could tell you it was worth it, but right now i dont know. i wanted this to be easy, i thought it was going to be, but you never cared about listening. your only aim was to convince me of something different. and on any other day i wouldve fallen for it. but its time for your words to fade from black to white so they disappear. i wanted to let you in but for the first time i feel like i cant trust you. i get that youre hurting and maybe you didnt know i was hurting already. but ive tried to make this work and you just wont. now im fading out like my words did before.

BE GRACIOUS IF IT KILLS YOU

I HAVE TWO CHEEKS AND THE WORLD SEEMS TO LOVE TO SLAP THEM BOTH. ILL BE GRACIOUS IF IT KILLS ME. FIND THE WORDS TO TEAR ME DOWN FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT. LIE TO MY FACE AND PROMISE YOU DIDNT DO IT. ILL BE GRACIOUS IF IT KILLS ME IN THE MORNING. LAUGH AT MY MISTAKES. ILL PITCH A TENT AS YOU PARADE MT SKELETONS DOWN THE STREET. ILL BE GRACIOUS IF IT KILLS ME. RIDICULE AND SCORN. MOST ME AS I MOURN FOR YOU. ILL BE GRACIOUS UNTIL IT KILLS YOU.

we all know how to leave

walking away when things become difficult is always easy. even the most committed heart considers it. we reach a point of exhaustion ans just stop trying. we close our eyes and close our hearts, its easier not to feel. we dont know how to cope and so we hide. scared, unsure, ashamed, we wish we could take it back but we wish it too late so we continue on our way. running from our cowardice mistake. but leaving is easy. staying is risky and leaves you vulnerable. it demands patience and you have to be tactfully intentional. you have to learn to bend to the point of breaking and then bend further. staying is work. leaving is naturally hurtful and depending on the heart the damage may be irreparable. leaving doesnt require teaching, just the ability to make the voices inside quiet. we all know how to leave. we all know how it feels to be left. why not take a chance on staying?

Someday the Curtain Will Fall for Good

"every song has a coda, a final movement, whether it fades out or crashes away, every song ends. is that any reason not to enjoy the music? _HRB as PES


one day i will close my eyes for the last time and i will breathe my final breath. and on that day i will know i had the best of it. the best of all of it. i will have lived every word to the letter and sung every note louder than before. in my end there will be no time for regret. i wont have missed a beat or leave any partial melodies. there will be no second act or encore and so i must od it all like its never been done before. my audience will see it once and only once and then no more. so i will put on the best damn show. for when the music fades and the curtain falls then they should erupt in tears of joy and applause because i sung my song well. the last refrain, my final farewell. on that day i will exit stage left and make room for the next performance knowing i left the best of me with you. always enjoy the music. i did.

a thousand clever lines left unread

our greatest regrets will be the things we never did. the words we never said. and we wont forget what we never did. ironic isnt it? i may forget if i told you i loved you but ill always remember if i said nothing. and the reasons for my silence wont matter. truth be told they never did. i was feebly convinced but in the moment it was not enough. now that its too late i wish that i could apologize for saying too much. i felt it all and it was all true, but i was afraid to say it to you. im holding a well-rehearsed script, performing for an empty audience. its just me, my unspoken words, and the silence.

the echoes of who we use to be

i come here to sit and think. i hear the echoes of our screams, our laughter, and our tears. i close my eyes and i see, vividly, what my world use to be. i see the best of what we use to be. an unusual cast of characters that life couldnt rip apart. and then one day, one uncertainty changed all of it. i stopped recognizing faces. i come here and relive the glory days. where our world was us and nothing else. nothing was going to take that away, or so we thought. one day i realized we were wrong. what we had was interrupted and now its gone. i dont want to go back because we were more naive then, but i want us back. i want us to be us again. the echoes of who we use to be haunt me while im awake and vanish in my sleeping. sometimes i sleep in so i dont hear it. take the bad with the good and learn from it. thats what were suppose to do with this. but the past is jeopardizing my present sanity. if only the echoes would become silent memories everything would be as it should be.

paint over my words with your own

im not the first to choose a pen as my weapon and i wont be the last. my inspiration is not whimsical but fueled by a history of profound statements birthed from triumph and tragedy. but im telling my story and theres a reason we are two instead of one. this is your time now and not to rewrite the words ive already written. your life deserves your unique eloquence. ive made my choices and paid my dues and would rather hear your story as told by you. i am glad that we are two. i have read all the words that i have written and have lived it. but i would be glad to retire in the company of words that arent mine. you are young and will experience much. what you choose to scribe will take or save your life. its time to let go of the notion of conforming to anything i wrote. clear the page and fill it with your own.

we dont need to whisper

i thought i could keep it a secret but its crushing me. its a necessary pain and im happy to feel it, to feel at all. but i cant keep this quiet and longer. my heart wants to speak above a whisper, so listen mister. i have loved you since the moment i saw your soul through your eyes. my stomach fluttered with butterflies when we touched our lips for the first time. and i was ready to fall apart in your arms when you told me you wanted my heart. damaged and dysfunctional you wanted it all and all of me. i dont want to keep this a secret and im not going to whisper. i will write it in the sky if needed for youve taught my soul to fly.

Dont Walk Away for the Wrong Reasons

you may have a list of valid excuses, but those arent legitimate reasons. excuses can be argued away with reason, but you can argue with reason, a reason is just a fact you have to face and a course of action you cant change but must live with. we find an escape route because we are afraid of how far it could go, whatever it is. but fear enables our ability to reason. and eventually there is no why, were just doing. set all your excuses aside and dont be afraid to let your pride take a hit. dont let your past catch you and hold you down. dont change your mind at the first sign of doubt because there will be more. dont walk away for just a list of excuses that seem solid because i can see right through them. no fear means no regrets.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN...?

where were you when i needed you? when my deepest fears became my reality? where were you when i cried myself to sleep? when i tried to escape with a knife to my wrist? where were you when i was drowning? when my skies were too black to see my own trembling hands? where were you when my fragile heart shattered and the world just walked across the pieces? where were you when i needed you?

where were you when i wanted you? when life brought moments made for the both of us? where were you when only you wouldve thought it was funny? when i found myself laughing alone? where were you when i wanted a real conversation? when i wanted to be understood without having to say anything? where were you when i wanted to grab coffee? when i wanted reminding of the simple things? where were you when i wanted you?

and youre here now and that matters now. but doesnt change all the times you werent. it was a long year, a hard year, and all i needed was my friend. where were you when...?

Talk So Time Slows

dont stop talking for i might forget you. time will move by quickly and i may miss something. dont stop talking and i wont stop talking. dont stop talking and i wont stop listening. laugh for me. its like air to me. your smile keeps my soul breathing. your lips keep my heart beating. dont stop talking for i might forget to speak. your so called rambling inspires me and i need to hear you. dont stop talking for i might forget my way. your words illuminate whats at my feet. dont stop talking for i may forget to see. to discover. to dream. and life cant afford for me to forget those things. the world would darken with one less dreamer. dont stop talking for i might forget who i am and where im going. the sound of your voice is my sounding comfort. the reason i wake up and the peace i need for sleep. you slow down the moments i want to last forever and protect me when the painful ones appear to have no end. dont stop talking.

a little too use to being alone

its hard for anyone to see your heart for you dont wear it on your sleeve. its easily unprotected when it can be seen. and youre use to having to guard it from the world and yourself. people always leave. people always lie. people break their promises by not being there like they said. and eventually your heart cant be broken anymore because you stopped letting anyone close enough to put it back together. life ground your shattered fragments into dust and you swept them under the rug. you tell yourself its okay just to cope. fighting to believe its normal to be alone. trying your best to put on a brave face while falling to pieces. you long to wake a heart long afraid to feel. but are stopped by the fear of it being handed back to you, mangled and empty. you would love to be wrong but no one seems strong enough to hold you. and all you need is one. one safe grasp to make all the pain go away. youve come to terms with being alone forever. but your silent tears hope for someday.

if i say shut your eyes

in an instant life can shatter and the facade you tried so hard to keep becomes obsolete. it was all about appearance. out of sight out of mind. you dont know if you cant see. bet we dont walk around with out eyes closed. if we dont know its because we dont want to. life is more manageable when you ignore all the work it takes to manage it. denial is easy until it isnt. life plays along until it calls it quits. something always interferes. if you can count on anything its that life will disrupt and muddy the waters. what do we do when the image falters? we cant keep up what we create to cope with the downsides of life. one day it will take you by surprise. youll be the last one left in your world because only you know it exists. the real world handles you and you cant handle that. but it doesnt go away just because you close your eyes. and youll be too far behind when you decide to open them. keeping them shut seems to stop all of it. the bad and the good. you cant have the very best without the very worst of it. that life doesnt exist and you wont know what youre missing until you cant change. but shut your eyes and have it your way.

An Unproven Theory

selfishness tried its best to rob you from me. and life found a way to make up for that. it doesnt quite make sense and with all the hurt in the world im not exactly sure its fair but its best not to complain. i want to appreciate what i have while i have it even if i dont understand it. some decisions are final. but in our case our story for a second chance at being written. and i want to do those who believe in it proud. i cant rewrite history but i can have a say in the future if i so choose and i choose. something tells me history would want us to do it differently. we deserve and encore, not a repeat. and truthfully the past is set in stone and i would be alone if i couldnt accept that and then let it go. but our future will turn out however we decide to tell it. and we should tell it together. the odds were against us but have worked in our favor. life a thief in the night one decision took us worlds apart. and it took one more decision to set it right. it doesnt always make sense, why life and time would choose to fix this whrn it leaves so much untouched. im reminded everytime i see your face or hear your voice not to take a second chance for granted. the first time around i didnt have a choice. but now i do. if youll have me i choose you.

play the cards youve got

if you look in his eyes you see the guilt he carries. the regret he cant shake for the choices he cant change. not that he would do them differently, but just maybe. maybe somewhere along the road he would have been sober enough to forgive himself. to let go of the anguish and make room for something better. the choices he made were the best for the times, but maybe he forgot why. or maybe why doesnt matter because why doesnt make his life any easier to live with. id like to think that id given a second chance hed try to make up for his past, but hes so use to running and no ones ever stopped him. he didnt like the hand hed been dealt, he wasnt responsible enough for it, and so he folded it. he forfeited what was his but he knew it wasnt his by right, and his time, his chance at doing it right had come and gone. but if he could do the best with what he had and somehow do right by those who didnt choose his life maybe it would make up for the damage hed still cause. maybe. hed like to think he only hurt himself, but pain, no matter whos it is, is never easy to deal with. especially if you spend your life refusing to rise above the guilt. he never thought he could do it and so he never tried. and maybe its for the best since he wasnt gambling with only his life. maybe. but maybe not. he played the hand life dealt him and by forfeit he lost. and maybe it only bothers him. maybe.

if you wish it wish it now

if you wish it wish it now. if you wish it wish it loud. if you want it say it now. cease waiting for perfect conditions. seize the moment and make it what you will. make it what you want it. dont be afraid to lean and reach for the sky. you already have the strength you thought youd never find. if you can dream it you can make it happen. cant doesnt exist for the believer. wish it now and wish it loud. stand tall. breathe deep. live proud. it you want it say it now. if you want it do it now. the sound of your beating heart excited the rhythm for your marching order. step forward and begin. youre only done what you call it quits. dont. your life si what you make it. you will gain what you give it. you will have what you want if you go after it. dream it. wish it. say it. believe it. do it. now.

help me to carry the fire

i cant do this without you, i know because ive tried. but the fire doesnt grow as hot or the embers burn with the same brilliance. you promised you would do this with me. without you i feel incomplete. self sufficiency isnt very efficient. im running out of time and out of options, this fire is slowly dying under the umbrella of my tears. if it dies i wont be able to see and this was suppose to light our way forever. help me. remember and then remind me how to keep this fire alive. its slowly growing dim and the fading light isnt enough to keep me warm. where did you go? you promised to do this with me. i cant keep it going alone and if you dont come home this fire will die out. youll forget your way back if theres no light to guide. so tell me, do i fight to keep it lit, you left me to carry it alone, but im close to done trying and you have already quit. we promised to do this together, it was going to light our way forever. help me to carry this fire.

heres your lifeline

if you want i want to. to hold you. to dry your tears. to save you. im here for you and thats your safety to do with as your wish. im throwing you a lifeline and would beg you take it but i dont think it best. dont hide in the rubble as the world comes crashing down. if youre hurting say it loud. if you want i want to. to wait with you. to stay with you. to rescue you. im reaching out my hand, heres your lifeline. and though its yours to leave i pray you take because were all reaching for the sky. some of us need help off the ground. so slip your hand in mine, my grasp is tight, well visit the stars tonight. if you want i want to. let me change that tragic panic look in your eyes. dont hope that this was the last time, theres so much more to life. we all make mistakes, but theres always time for change, time to make it right. if you want i want to. if you hear a distant sound and footsteps by your side, its your lifeline. if you want i want to.

its your story to tell

and its a story the world needs to hear. i would tell it if i could tell it better. if i could remember all the details as if i had been there but theres no better storyteller than you. and its a story worth sitting still for. theres much to learn from. theres much to cry over and laugh about. theres much to relate with, if you would only share it you would see. my only word of caution is that you keep this story for your own. you are the author, the narrator, and the main character. your life is your story and yours alone to tell the world or your closest friend. but its only yours to tell. the greedy and the media and the misconceiving will tell it differently, with their own unwarranted twist. they would be writing it, but this is your life, not a piece of fiction. its your story, tell it like it is.

The Best Version of Yourself

there is a greatness youre destined to reach. and when you refuse you cheat the world and you cheat yourself out of everything waiting for you. you have a laundry list of reasons of why youre standing still and they all sound really good. they make you out to be the selfless hero everyone already knows you are. they keep you far from failure. no risk, no disappointment, but no reward. you cant teach greatness. you cant truly speak of it unless its been experienced. and if you deny yourself those moments you also deny the world of another life or living proof that there are no impossibilities, just unfulfilled dreams. but that shouldnt be your story. its not the best you have to offer but its all youre unafraid to give. i challenge you to truly live, to push the greatness inside of you. the truth only hurts when you dont know it. when greatness is an idea you dont pursue. the best of who you are can never and will never disappoint. dont be afraid to be that person. dont steal from yourself and the world the greatness it needs.

Give Me Tragedy

"losing your hearts greatest desire is a tragedy. but gaining your hearts desire...thats all you can hope for. this year i asked for love. to immerse myself in someone else and wake a heart long afraid to feel. my wish was granted and if having that is tragic then give me tragedy. because...i wouldnt give it back for the world." _HRB as PES


gaining is magical and losing is tragic. they say to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all. but is it? there are some who would tell you no. those whos hearts have been broken and by choice remained broken long enough to become bitter. they would tell you no because they need to lie to keep from feeling. but there are those who would say yes and that could be for one of two reasons. the first being they wished for love and that wish was granted and now they are feeling the bliss of immersing themself in someone else. its everything they thought it could be and better even...and they cant imagine how anyone couldnt believe. the second being they are speaking from experience, and not just the bliss of gaining but the heartache of losing as well. these broken hearts would say yes because when it was good it was great and the bad was never so bad that they lost hope for the great to return. while they basked in the moments of perfection the rest of the world disappeared. and on the days the clouds rolled in they were reminded of what was truly important. for the souls that have loved and lost and would love again they have foudn risking their heart worth it. and they knew in taking the risk they were accepting the best with the worst of it. the bad days werent just bad days, they were the moments that made the good days great days. to each his own and each heart must decide for itself to love and risk the loss or to never know love at all. and to not know love is to deny your heart what it was made for. ill take tragedy if you please.

what can i say?

if i could explain i would. if i could make you understand id try. if i thought you would listen i wouldnt stop. but your eyes have glossed over and your hearts a brick wall and im tired. tired of trying to tell you youve got it wrong. tired of trying to fix the damage, not that theres been too much, im just done. its too much for anyone, for only one, for me. i need time to heal before i fight some more. im not closing the door, im just moving out of the way so i cant see your face. the look in your eyes says you know me but you have no idea, not really. and your assumption was your first mistake. youve made your decisions and now i must make mine. its time. and theres nothing left to say because none of my words cause any change. tomorrows a new day and a fresh start. what can i say?!

its like trying to spin the world the other way

its just one of those things you can never make sense but it feels so right you try to explain it. and youll try until you turn blue in the face to make all the doubters understand but you cant. there are no words though there should be and you shed light onto it but theres no clarity, only a blinding brilliance that makes you want to stare and shut your eyes all at the same time. but you dont do either one. its a force that cant be reckoned with and a philosphy you cant avoid living by. you cant slow it and you cant change it and it doesnt have a name. there truly is nothing left to say and its a shame. to explain the unexplainable would be to solve a great mystery, but if theres no mystery to have theres no mystery to hold. if you figure out how to spin the world the other way i will try to find the right words to explain.

youre just a fool to believe...

finish that statement for whatever is true for your life. youve either said it or its been said to you. lifes judgmental that way and uses the people closest to you to send its hurtful messages. unfair isnt it? life would rather tell you youll never make it then watch you try. but you dont have to listen. the smallest thing can make the greatest difference. and who are they really to tell you you cant? they dont know you and dont care to. if they did know you theyd know your belief is nowhere near foolish. truth be told theyre just jealous. you know what you want and trust its yours for the taking. how many can honestly say that? dream big and breath deep because the rest of your life starts with your very next step and dont step lightly. a future thats not just about you hangs in the balance. dont let their doubt be the reason you decide this is not the time. if they dont like the journey then leave them behind. follow your heart. sometimes crazy and sanity are on the same side. you wont know until you try. what do you have to lose if they already thing you a fool?!

tell me when i can breathe again

im holding my breath to wait for something wonderful. its difficult to see in all of this mess. but i can feel it coming. it has to right? if i said i didnt believe that then every word ive ever written would be a lie. and my words speak for the voices that dont and on their behalf i wont retract this message. we dont hold our breath in death but in hope. hope for a better tomorrow, a glorious sunset, true love. we hope that all of this is worth it. and we hold our breath for that life giving moment that lets us know weve arrived. that reassuring moment that says we made it. until then we hold our breath. breathing when we have to and crying when we must. its lifes way of giving us that extra little push up towards daylight and fresh air. ill hold my breath and hope for something more because the chaos is not what i live for.

ITS GOING TO BE WORTH IT ALL

its what i keep telling myself. its constantly on my lips because im risking it all to have it. everything is hanging by a thread because i have to have this. i have to chase it and see what happens. so im going to abandon all that i know and go someplace new. i wish there was another way, but this time i have to choose. and its selfish of me to ask you to wait, but thats what im asking, wait for me. im going to make it or fail trying, but at least i tried. and i need to try. the sky is the limit and i want to surpass that. and i know its hard to understand sitting back seat to a dream, but for the moment its best for me. and me is all i can afford to focus on right now, unhindered by everything that belongs to the world i am leaving. its a hard truth to swallow but that doesnt change the reality. i have to leave to chase my dream. you dont hear of anyone doing that from home. part of following your heart is having to go and im ready to be gone. i have a lot of life to live and i dont want to waste. its going to be worth it all because im going to risk all of it.

burn the bridge when its okay

its always seems easier to ruin a good thing than it is to lose a good thing. we always come so close to is being so great and then we destroy it before its too late. we create hell where none exists because fantasy is not reality and we cant believe that what we have is real. its a faith issue. its a trust issue. we dont trust ourselves enough to be able to make it and we dont trust others enough to stay for the moments we miss the mark. we build it up just to watch it crumble as we tear it down so that were not taken by surprise when it falls apart. but before you burn the bridge to greatness do you ever stop to think that this might be the one that doesnt fall? what if you burn the bridge youre meant to walk all the way across even facing uncertainty and certain adversity? if we burn all our bridges we wont get anywhere. do you always want to wake up here? its not suppose to stop here, but youre stuck if you have no where left to walk. keep burning the bridges when its okay and one day it wont be. and that day will be too late.

were all looking for a life that makes sense somehow

'why' is a popular question. why her? why him? why now? why me? why did he leave? why did she die? why did it end? why didnt it work? why wont she come home? why life? why love? why loss? why? we all want to know that theres a point, that theres a rhyme and reason to all of this we would rather do without. we dont know what to do with most of what life hands us and we want to know why we have to deal with any of it at all. we go through life searching for a singular answer that makes sense, but how many actually find it? if you have found it dont let it go and if you havent dont stop searching for it. you will find it if you truly want it and when you do give yourself whole-heartedly to it because it gives you reason for everything. when it all finally makes sense dont question it, trust it, rest in it. it will give you the strength to take on life, both the best and the worst of it. it will give you the freedom to let go of what you dont need and the endurance to defend what you cant live without at all costs. why is the question that lingers between victory and defeat. why is the question to which to answer could elevate or bury you. why today? why that? why not? every time you ask why you get a piece of the puzzle that is sure to be completed. one day you will cross that threshold and smile to yourself because you will realize 'thats why'. all the pain, the sweat, the tears, the bitter hours filled with angry words, every moment was leading to this. and in that moment you can let go and hang onto only what makes sense. thats the beauty of it.

dont let it be said it cant be done

NO BATTLE WAS EVER WON BY STANDING STILL. NO MISSION EVER ACCOMPLISHED BY DOING NOTHING. NO GOAL EVER ACHIEVED WITHOUT RISKING. NO DREAM COME TRUE WITHOUT SACRIFICE. CANT IS NOT IN THE VOCABULARY OF THE HERO. WONT DOESNT EXIST FOR THE VICTOR. IF THEY SAY IT CANT BE DONE ITS BECAUSE YOU WILL. IF THEY SAY YOU SHOULDNT ITS BECAUSE THEY NEED IT MOST. DONT BELIEVE IT CANT BE DONE. IF EVERYONE DID THEN NOTHING WOULD BE AND LIFE WOULD BE VOID.

Pry It from My Passionate Fingers

knuckles white im clutching tight though im moving on. i never saw a future without what im holding onto so it must be coming with me. but im finding its a struggle to make my past and present exist together. and so im standing still. waiting for something to budge while my future waits for me to let go and give up. im standing still, stuck, not ready to let go but without choice to not move on. its time to uncurl my fingers from around the heart of the old and embrace the freshness of the new. id love to take it all with me but theres no room. i tried to make it work but to no avail and now its time to surrender, to shift my passions toward the future ive already spent too much time delaying. i cant still time so i need to quit trying. letting go of the old. its time.

so much left to begin

theres a whole life ahead of me. fully challenge and blessing ready. and im willing! its time to move on, to press forward, and to do what hasnt been done. i dont want to reinvent myself, but just find out who i am and what im capable of. i know theres much to go and do and see and theres nothing to stop me. and i will stop at nothing to get to where im going, though the only direction im clear on is forward. its time for a new beginning free of all the old world was made of. its time, my time. prehaps its a selfish notion to do it for myself snf no one else, but who knows? how much am i changing by saying no to those who disagree and saying yes to my dream? it could be history altering.