Just How Human Am I?

i didn't want to do it
every ounce of me was telling me that i shouldn't
and i ignored every warning
was sure i could push past it
sure i could stay in control until after it
but i didn't make it to the end
i didn't even know i had lost control
all of a sudden
my heart was racing
and my body was shaking
and i was standing alone
trying to fight the tears
and regain control
and it wasn't happening
i just stood there
staring


then another's arms were around me
telling me to fall apart
i didn't want to
but i couldn't say no
my heart just let go


i'm usually good with words
but i couldn't find them
and i was shaking too much
to push those arms away
i crashed into them
and trembled

They Talk About

they talk about the moment bittersweet
they talk about the tears you will weep
they talk about the anger that you feel
they talk about the time it takes to heal


they talk about the times you won't forget
they talk about the things you will regret
they talk about all that could have been


...

I Won't Lie To You

i won't lie to you
i want to
i also want my lies to be the truth
but they aren't
and i won't lie to you
why have a voice
why asked to be listened to 
if everything i say is empty 
if i'm going to ask you to believe anything
it should be the truth
it should be something i would believe
and i wouldn't want you to lie to me
would you believe that as i'm writing this
every time my brain tells my hands to type 'lie'
my fingers type 'life'


i won't lie to you
so here's truth
it doesn't look good
and it doesn't feel good
i could write the most poetic stanzas
or i could play the softest melody
and it still wouldn't sound good
the truth is
that the promise was
everything would work out 'for the good'
i wish that meant it would be
all good
all the time
but i'm not going to lie
that's not what He said
but what He said
He meant
His promise was one of purpose
for every moment of your life
i swear it
i won't lie


it will be alright
maybe not tonight or tomorrow
perhaps not next week or next month
but give it time
it all has reason
He can't lie

Alone

its easier said than done
saying what's done is done
forgiving yourself when it all went wrong
believing it wasn't your all fault

its easier to bear the load
say that you can do it all alone
and that will be the truth

until the day isn't
until the day you cant
until the day your strength has left your hands

you don't have to do this all alone
and i know you've felt that way before

it's easy to say you don't need
anyone
until the day you can't believe that
anymore

The Paradox

I couldn't find you if I wanted to. 
I don't even know where to look.
I've had dreams inside of dreams.
Trying to unlock my own secrets.
Things hidden I didn't even know existed.
But I've failed every time.
I can't remember what I wasn't to forget.
I don't remember what you said.
I don't remember what I did.
There in lies the paradox.
One way in and one way out.
But I am sure to pass the same moment twice.
That's the moment of the shift.
The moment when what doesn't exist, wins.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Absence makes the great grow so fond

I held to my pain far too long

And I tried so hard to forget 

Now I think about you all the time

And I can't help but smile

I can't help but laugh

I can't help but love

All the good times we had


It's too much energy
To stay mad or hurt
I forgave you
I just couldn't find the words


I'm sorry it took so long
But 'I love you" came with a song
With a song


Absence makes the heart grow so fond
And I held my pain for far too long
I play this melody to say one thing 
And one thing only


I love you
I love you

Hanging By A Moment

the same words keep appearing in my songs
and in my writings
words like 'darkness' and 'breathing'
words that speak if sadness
and hope unyielding
words describing loss and ache and pain
words that plead for peace
and clarity
and a decent night sleep
i write these words with increasing frequency
and still feel no different
no freedom
no relief
only a building sense of agony that the end is going to fall like a ton of bricks
and i wont be able to see the sun from beneath the rubble
and i cant write an ending i dont know
so i write three quarters of the same story because thats the only part thats been told
i want it all to be over
i want the song finished