I Can't Do This Dance Anymore

We've been dancing for years

Taking turns taking the lead

But I'm tired

I've been tired

I don't want to do this anymore

I don't see having the energy for this tomorrow

Neither one of us can make up our minds

And we're never ready together

It's easier not to see you

Not to talk to you 

Because then everything I feel fades

And I don't have to worry

But I do worry 

With you I worry about everything

I worry about being good enough

I worry about doing it right

I worry about letting you in 

And I mean all the way

I get near you 

And I become that fragile girl all over again

The one I thought I had overcome

The one I thought I was supposed to be stronger than

But everything I thought I learned pales in light of your face

Your sound

Your smell

And I swear I'm not crazy

I'm not obsessed

And this is not an infatuation

Hell

I don't know what this is

I don't know what it's not

I just know I have fought and fought and fought

I've walked away

I wished away

I spoke you away 

And still I can't let go

I tell myself I'm over you

I tell God I'm over you 

And then you tell me you miss me and I realize none of it is true

And I'm tired

Aren't you tired

Why aren't you tired

I want to surrender but I don't know to who

I want to let the fragile girl I turn into fall

But I'm afraid

Afraid to let you catch me

Afraid that you won't

Afraid to be out of control

To trust without knowing which way is up

I'm good at looking out for myself

It doesn't hurt when I don't meet my own expectations

And I'm afraid you won't know what to do with me

With my heart

Lust is easy

Safer

So we foolishly think

And thought

It's not

It makes trusting harder

And I'm tired

So tired I can't give up

I don't want to do this anymore

I can't dance this one more night

But I can't get my feet to stop moving

And I can't tell my heart to stop feeling

Every time I think I have it under control

I'm reminded that I don't

So I evade

And avoid

And ignore

But that only works for so long

Eventually my heart finds its way back to your door

And before I know it 

I'm knocking

I don't even know what this is

I don't know if its love

I don't know if its bondage

It could be the worst case of stubbornness

But I can't keep doing this

And the truth is

That I say all this now

But when the morning comes I will be right back at it

I can't help it

And haven't been able to in years

God help me it's always been you

And so far there's been nothing I can do

I think too much

And curse myself

Nothing helps

The lights faded black long ago and there's only silence

But still we dance this