Looking Glass

i look through glass at the life everyone talks of.

i look through glass at smiling faces and high fives.

i look through glass at bated breaths and skipped heartbeats.

i look through glass at accomplishment and pride

joy and love

ease and freedom and confidence.

when my window opens i won't have to look anymore.

i'll live.

I'm Supposed to be Enough

i've only ever wanted 
your love
and i've only ever asked 
to be enough
but somehow
you never heard me
even when i was screaming
i had stayed quiet for so long
waiting
the silence became deafening
and i did everything you asked of me
i gave everything you asked from me
now remind me, 
for what?
because somehow it still wasn't enough
the dress wasn't short enough
my hair wasn't long enough
dinner wasn't hot enough
your clothes weren't dry enough
the house wasn't clean enough
my mouth wasn't quiet enough
nothing i did was ever enough
nothing
and you were too busy criticizing what i did
to ever notice who i was
and i am supposed to be enough
i wasn't striving for attention
i wasn't aiming for perfection
i simply wanted your seal of approval
on the good days
the bad days
and even the ugly ones
but even the best days weren't enough
and when your best day with my wasn't enough
it meant i wasn't enough
and you can spare me the forced pity
and don't try to tell me it isn't true
what's truer still is i feel sorry for you
because you were enough for me
the good, the bad, and the ugly
i would've loved all of it
because no matter the day
it was still you
i may not have liked it
i may have hated it
but i would have loved you
i wasn't blind to your short-comings
and i wasn't pretending we had something we didn't 
but just being with you was enough
everything else was perfect
even in all its imperfection
everything else was
more then i asked for
and soon it was only everything else that i got
you never said it with your lips
but my heart got the message loud and clear
the honeymoon was over
one day you woke up and realized this wasn't it
and i all but begged you to tell me the truth
even in the end
you never really did
and even then, in that
your message was consistent
i wasn't enough
i wasn't enough to keep you
i wasn't enough to hear the truth from you


i wanted one thing
and you gave me everything but...

Open Up

open up
your held away heart
im throwing rocks at the window
can it come out to play

i know its afraid
mine is too
but it cant hide forever
love was meant for two

Do I Want 'Good' or 'Great'?

I could stay
very few would blame me
and even while they hate me
they would understand
it's safe here
safer than I like
I could hide away here
I can shut the world out here
I get to pick and choose what exists here
sound wonderful doesn't it?
but there are always strings when picking and choosing
you may avoid much pain
but you will always know how good it can be
and no better
to know the true depth of love you must be introduced to hate
to know the significance of sacrifice
you must know you have fallen far from grace
I could stay here
I could have 'good'
or I could go, face my fears
and have something 'great'


I have less than an hour to decide...

What If I Told You

what if i told you it wasn't me?
the part you love with all your heart and soul
isn't me
the part you would protect forever
isn't me
the part you miss before i even leave
isn't me
what if i said such things?
would you believe?
what if i told you the things you love the most
i can't take credit for?
would you know what i mean?
all of the goodness you see is the evidence
of God in me
it's proof i want Him working through me
but whatever you gain from me
is a result of my surrendering
and it's not perfect every time
but it's perfect when i do it right
all if requires of me is listening and obedience
the rest of it
isn't me
i marvel at the chance to tag along
but i'm only here for the ride
the hard parts
the truly breath-taking moments
the inexpressible peace
that's Him each and every time
the comforting words may come from my lips
or my hand
but i didn't write them
my arms will wrap tightly around you
but when it comes to cradling your heart
i can't
that role wasn't meant for me
do you believe?
can you see well enough to look past me?
look into my eyes,
can you see mine are not the ones looking back?
He sees you
He knows you
and though you may thing a soul can't get better than mine
i am not the one who laid down my life
that wasn't me

Different This Time

it's different this time
i don't want to drive around and reminisce 
i don't want to wonder what i will
or have already missed
i'm not walking down memory lane
not this time
this time i am shaking the dust off my feet
i'm leaving
all of this, all of it
to let it become what was always meant for it
i'm no longer a main character
not here
this time is truly a visit only
this time i know i won't find my next step forward
this time i'm not wondering where i belong
this time i know it's time to move on

(written jan 1, 2011)

Gone

I couldn't call her on her birthday or Christmas or New Year's

She won't be home to kiss me when I get there

She's gone